I've always wondered what it would be like to have an easy laugh. An engaging, effervescent personality that draws people in. Since I was a child I've wanted to be less serious, not so introspective, more of a free spirit.
Instead, I'm brooding, contemplative, and I have layers that conceal a deep down, real person, mysterious to me and invisible to everyone else. It's funny in a way that people think I'm outgoing. I don't see myself that way. I see myself peering through the darkness of a subway tunnel, far underground, yearning for the light but afraid of too much exposure.
As a photographer, I find my personality fits me well, or at least my profession. Through the lens I observe life. I don't participate. In the confines of the viewfinder my world becomes manageable, pliable, survivable. I find myself drawn to this world, yet repulsed at the same time, craving human contact even as I avoid mingling with the world.
I wish I had an easy laugh. I wish I had a personality that makes people want to draw near. Sometimes I wish I could be someone who isn't me just for an hour, just to see what that feels like. To see if I can learn to be more open, more engaging, more inviting.
But i can't. So I'll keep on being me. And see what happens next.